Controlling Temper and Showing Respect

i wasn't able get a good sleep last night and woke up on the wrong side of the bed. a couple of months before december last year, we had some problems with the renewal of our taxi's franchise. the people that were supposed to expedite the renewal process actually made things worse. this scenario wasn't new to us. this happens each year, everytime the taxi's franchise or line is up for renewal. apparently, tatay chose the wrong people to ask help from. it takes a month or two before all the paper works and legal issues are settled and finished. to me, it's really unusual. i sensed something was wrong, either with the system at LTO or with the people that my father was dealing with.

one day while the taxi was up for registration again, tatay came from LTO with a bad news. it now became clear to us why everytime the taxi was up for registration, why we were faced with so much delays and why amusing reasons for the delays were given to us by the fixers at LTO ( that's the appropriate word - fixers). what caused all the mess was the decision of my father to sell our other taxi's line to another person (a couple of years before), thinking that each taxi has individual line, which he could sell without affecting the other existing line. and so he did that. it turned out, he was approached by these fixers at LTO, who he considers his friends, and talked him into selling the line of one of our taxi which he planned to drop, without explaining to him the big picture. there were court hearings that tatay attended, documents that he prepared. they sold it. the fixers got their share - bigger than what tatay got. after a couple of years, we learned that what tatay sold was the whole franchise, not just one of the taxi lines from that franchise. he wasn't aware since it he was made to believe that he was selling just one line, not the whole franchise.

last month, i pressured tatay to take care of it once and for all and he did. he was able to find someone, a higher-up in LTO, who was able to help him to finally solve that problem. now the mundane problem that we are facing is how to find a good and honest driver. we tried hiring several drivers but no one really lived up to our expectations. either they showed no concern for the vehicle or they want to set their own terms as to how long they want to be on the road. my position on this is that they do not have to rush, it's better for the taxi to stay idle than get a driver who's a real pain in the ass, anyway we can get by without the taxi's income at present. maybe my parents don't want to be a burden to us that's why a couple of days ago, they decided to hire someone to drive the taxi without my knowledge.

it turned out this guy is a typical filipino kanto guy na medyo makapal ang mukha. last night, he passed by the house to ask my father if he could use the taxi to bring his wife ( she's works for our neighbor) home to caloocan, because she got drunk. fine. i appreciate his concern for his wife. but his wife's getting drunk was neither our concern nor our responsibility. plus, the taxi is some form of a business for us where we derive our income from, it is not intended for charitable purposes, espicially getting some drunk person home. tatay gave this stupid driver the nod and until early this morning hasn't returned or called up yet. tatay took time out to find someone who knows how to get in touch with his wife. on my way to work, my sister texted me that they were able to contact the driver and that he will be returning the taxi this afternoon, when the number-coding will be lifted for several hours (the taxi is number-coded today). to me, this is a big display of disrespect and opportunism. to think that he only started driving for us a couple of days ago, he had the nerves to ask my father to use the taxi for personal purposes. i would be more considerate if it was an emergency case but it wasn't. his wife got drunk. and it is non of our business.

so what's my point? why am i fuming mad?

because of what transpired, i again lost my temper and blurted out disrespectful words to my father, though not directly. i regret what i did. i wanted to embrace my father and apologize for what i have said. but i'm not good at that. we weren't raised that way. i was again disrespectful to my father. i hate myself for doing that and i hate myself for not being able to control my temper. fuck! i kept reminding them not to get a driver hastily because i know things like this could happen. and it did. i became a monster again because of some stupid and idiot driver, who didn't deserve to be given the chance to work for us or perhaps anybody for that matter, in the first place. i love tatay no doubt. but sometimes in my desire to protect them and my family from vultures like that i become a vulture, too. i don't intend to take whatever dignity is left of my father. i know i have been doing this time and again. he is my father, my tatay, and i should not cross that line. i should not meddle with his decisions, trespass his territory or cross that line that separates a father from a son as far as decision-making is concerned. i am terribly sorry for what i did, for the things that i said. those words, never could i take them back. i am trying so hard, so hard for this not to happen again. but it did. i hope and pray this will be the last time. forgive me tatay. i love you and i respect you as my father.

Confucious

i was never really a fan of conficious. But yesterday as i was watching a travel channel on tv, i came across this quatation from him which really hit me. It doesn't matter how slowly you go, as long as you don't stop. i realized it was important to always take our time, not to rush, or not to do things at a pace others do it because you are not them.

sometimes i tend to want to accomplish things fast. i want to own and accomplish things overnight, as if a fairy god mother of mine will use her magic wand to grant my wishes instantly. worst, i want to learn things fast. maybe i want to impress myself. may it be work-related or leisure-related, i want to learn new things fast, and everytime i do so, i end up knowing a little. i guess i have to have these words tatooed on my skin. these words are applicable to anything, and i mean anything. he's right, the distance you will travel or the amount of knowledge you will learn will never depend on how fast you travel or absorb things, rather it depends on when you will stop. patience is indeed a virtue.